To Die Before You Die, or Live More fully Before You Die?

"Die before you die, to realize that there is no such thing as death..."

My crippling fear of impermanence and mortality, and burning desire for freedom from my suffering   has led me again and again to a fork in the road where I can choose between...

1. To ease my fear of death, die before I die (by ego-cide) before fully living my life. 
   
   
2. Or, live more fully before I die, letting impermanence reveal the poignancy that each and every fleeting micro-moment is made of
   
   

God knows how much I've vacillated, but after losing vital parts of my soul in trying "die before I die to realize that there’s no such thing as death," I've chosen now to focus on living more fully as a person before I die, to hopefully realize that death is a price worth paying...

"That death was inevitable was a bittersweet tonic that made every moment precious.”

It's also given new meaning to the words of dear Mary Oliver, “To live in this world you must be able to do 3 things - to love what is mortal, to hold it close to your bones as if your life depends on it, and when the time comes, to let it go…let it go.” 

Continuing to make the choice to live my life in this world truly does depend on holding what is fleeting closer to my heart in a new way, as it dilutes the allure of the "divine" suicide ego death path, and inspires me to let the light of ephemerality illuminate the brilliant preciousness of mortal life, so that in savoring it's poignancy more fervently, I may perhaps let it go more gracefully, with death as a sweet-bitter price worth paying for my chance to live and love fully.