Im/purity Light

"And we all live our spiritual lives, believing that this is what we're aiming for, to be free of fear forever. To have seen it as an illusion, something we have left behind like a shadow because the sun of spirituality has gotten so bright that shadows no longer exist." - Jason Shulman

"We want light and wisdom but not the life it illuminates!" - Jason Shulman

In retrospect, most of the light I experienced in my Neo-Advaita days of exclusionary transcendence was a Purity light, a light of purity alone, holy yes, but not whole-making... what I want and need now is the light that shines on the impurity that purity light over-shadows, to help me heal and whole by integrating instead of  temporarily incinerating it with it's gorgeous rays, even though that  felt like absolute liberation! I need this now because the wholly-ness divine immanence offers, holds the dark tarnished parts of me with/within its' light, instead of immediately dissolving them into light, and I've come to want my human wholly-ness more than I ever wanted to dissolve parts of myself into exclusionary bliss, and to strengthen a conscious relationship with these parts and harness them for the power and strength in vulnerability made sacred, in knowing all past present and future devastation as holy too, as holy as anything / everything else, in saying this too is god, seeing through the illusion that god is not (in) this place of darkness...

I feel so close to god right now when moments prior my fragility was only painful, disempowering weakness, but the instant of knowing it as god’s frailty is utterly invigorating, thundering god's humanity through my body, trans-immanent lightning bolts shocking me with my own divinity, shocking me with ecstacy when the brutality of beauty flows with ferocious grace and the humbling mightiness of my tiny enormity. This is no Purity-only light, it's a more elusive light that enlightens impurity, as darkness catches flame to reveal its' sacred face, and this divine fire of vulnerability blazing in my heart is the holiest fucking thing I’ve ever felt.