When I first starting awakening to what felt like the reality that I was "just an illusion", little more than a fantasy fiction, I saw that since all of my limiting beliefs were phantom constructs, in lieu of their reality, I could actualize most of the things I most deeply wanted, should I choose to.

But the catch was that with the crumbling sense of a solid self who aspires to achieve, coupled with the non-dual teachings I was absorbed in which taught that to be truly free, we have to let go of aspirations to become anything or anyone, of any motivations of the "imaginary ego" and see through them all as the concerns of the "sleepwalkers" that keep them trapped inside of cyclical suffering.

Looking back it's troublingly ironic that in the same moments of clarity that I could have the things I most wanted, I no longer wanted them! I'd seen through both the barriers to having what I desired, and the desire itself.  It was like waking up to my infinite potential just to waive at it and say, I don’t care about you!

I remember a sense of success in thinking that in seeing through the fantasy of personhood, I was liberated from the hedonic treadmill of achieving what that fictional self desires only to soon feel dissatisfied yet again and off chasing the next illusion of something that would secure lasting happiness.  But, the honeymoon years of an often deeply contented non-self faded out into the nightmare of (how did I not see it coming?) of nihilistic apathy and what had turned into an ever-increasing disturbing difficulty shoring up personhood in interactions and relationships. I felt myself sort of pretending to be that character I'd once so unquestionably, effortlessly interacted from/as, and straining to dredge up that personality that the people I knew we used to, in order to maintain conversations that I had dwindled interest in engaging in.

There were times when simply carrying on a conversation felt strenuous, I found myself drawing blanks more and more, and finding myself feeling shockingly, feeling vacuous, the last thing I'd ever been and would ever have wanted to be. What was clear that the cause wasn't simply my bouts of depression, but the total dissolution of my self structure that I'd gone through and was continuing to experience both in meditation, and "off the cushion." The more frequently I entered states of self-transcendence and was further convinced of the ultimate truth that what we really are is "pure awareness," the more unreliable my somebody-ness became.

I wish I'd heard my future self whispering to me, "be careful what you wish for," before this liberating disappearance of identity morphed into a crisis of epic proportion.

Didn't I ever think that I might end up drowning in the still waters of "just abide as pure, open awareness" and end up like a ghost trapped in a shipwreck at the bottom of the sea?

Didn't I ever think, after I'd tossed my passion into the junkyard, leaving it to rust, that one day I'd want it back and the engine wouldn’t start? That I'd cry in horror, fearing that the experience of personhood as more than illusory would forever remain a relic of the past, collecting dust on history’s shelf? That I'd be devastated by what I'd done and fall to my knees in grief for the loss of my own self? 

"Let go of resistance." We hear it all the time in guided meditations, don't we? "Don't resist anything." This can be confusing. If something harmful is happening to me or someone else, shouldn't I resist it? I think the confusion happens most people think that "Don't resist" is solely a call to inaction. Sometimes it is. Sometimes that is what is most wise and skillful in the situation. But it doesn't mean to never try to change anything, or to just let bad things happen even we have the ability to stop them. It may not often be seen this way, but "Don't resist the moment" can also be one of the strongest calls to action, because for me, non-resistance isn't about letting harmful things continue, it's about not resisting the reality of what is happening, because only when we first soberly acknowledge reality do we have the opportunity, should we want it, to address it and change it.

Here's a living example. We are too often exploited, abused and taken advantage of without doing anything about it. While it's not always the case, we often don't do anything about it because we're at least partially in denial of the fact that it's even happening. In some cases, we resist acknowledging what our body, intuition, and even mind are telling us that we don't want to hear. In this denial, we are averting our eyes from the unpleasant truth of the moment and repressing our awareness that our boundaries are being trespassed. We go into full inner resistance mode. 

When we pretend that things are other than they are, we have no opportunity to change them. To change things, we have to tune into and listen to the signals saying something isn't right, that something is hurting us or others. "Don't resist what's happening," in this context, is about what's happening on the inside, and it's a call to courageously face reality, even when that means discomfort, disturbance, and disillusionment. Practicing opening up to what we are feeling inside is leads to more freedom and empowerment to take necessary action, and also can help you discern what that is!

So, "Don't resist" isn't always suggesting "don't do anything."  It means allowing the reality of what is happening in the moment so that you can determine when you need to take skillful action towards positive change, and then have the choice to mobilize yourself to follow through with it.

*The idea isn't that resistance is bad or unspiritual, which is also implied in a lot of teachings. Ironically, "Don"t resist" even applies to resistance itself, meaning that part of the practice, as I see it, is  welcoming the parts of us that feel resistant. Resistance is natural and serves a function as well. Our bodies have resistance wired into them and this has protected us in many ways throughout our lives and we can appreciate that. We aren't getting rid of anything, and that's the point.

It's so important to know that there are times when spiritual teachings based solely on "just being" and that present stillness, silence, and slowing down as a panacea and/or as more spiritual than motion, activity and sound are not only not helpful, but when extreme can exacerbate or lead to the opposite extreme of  hyper-arousal.

The opposite of hyper-arousal, hypo-arousal is often used within the context of trauma but is overall  related to the healthy regulation of our nervous system, which lies at the heart of a balanced human being!  "Hypo-arousal refers to an arousal state that lies at the low end of the continuum. Behaviorally, hypo-arousal may be observed as under-responsiveness to stimuli and one's environment, for example, as lethargy, inattention, apathy, or boredom."

During times of hypo-activation, (sometimes part and parcel with depression, trauma, or simply periods of low energy and motivation) we struggle to mobilize ourselves to fully function and/or engage in the things that bring us joy, wellbeing,  fulfillment. Some of its other "side effects" are:

-Shutdown/ Collapse
-Exhaustion
-Dissociation
-Frozenness
-Inertia
-Numbness
-Excessive sleeping, etc.
-Torpidity

What I've needed most need in these times is the impetus to mobilize myself, movement, motion, re-activation, and when I've understand this, and found that the meditations on sitting in stillness are not serving me, but actually contributing to the problem - sometimes they have even led to it. This has caused me to turn away from teachers and teachings that blanket prescribe stillness and slowing down as a panacea. I've felt disappointed and troubled by their lack of balance, awareness of and sensitivity to the inherent risk in doing this. That being said, many spiritual teachers, mindfulness and meditation guides don't have ill intentions, it's simply a blind spot, and I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater because being able to self-generate stillness and quietness of mind is  transformative in so many positive ways.

"You can feel trapped in amber while life is passing by. This is not the same as profound inner stillness."

I want to say that it's very important to validate yourself when you're questioning whether a certain practice, paradigm, or teaching is actually promoting holistic wellbeing, which includes not just what you've been taught is "spiritually healthy" but also what is physically and psychologically healthy. Mind, body, and spirit should all be benefiting if it's a healthy practice. In my view, if one or more is being harmed, that's a good sign that there's a dangerous imbalance in it. Most teachings and practices are not a one size fits all solution and it's important to skillfully discern when they are and aren't fitting for us. 

"You can feel trapped in amber while life is passing by. This is not the same as profound inner stillness."

I'm a strong advocate for being able to generate inner composure and quietude when the moment calls for it, so it's important to remind ourselves that when it's balanced and skillful, the ability to consciously slow down when frazzled and frenzied can make us feel more purposeful and motivated, not less. The idea is not to slow down to a lifeless state,  but enough to be able to hold down our forts so they doesn't get carried away by every whim, and wind that blows from without or within. I see it as not slowing down in defiance of speed, but to balance, compliment it, and ultimately help us make more deliberate choices that help ensure that what we're moving towards is where we actually want to be going.