1:1 and group peer support for recovering from harmful effects of self-negating nondual teachings, practices and related perceptual shifts, and confidently moving in a new direction, reviving a healthy integrated, holistic individual sense of self.
There are increasing amounts of specialists in the field of spiritual emergency/crisis, as well as support groups, for folks experiencing distressing effects from a wide range of reality-altering shifts in perception, however what's offered here is support for folks who are experiencing these effects specifically from self-negating forms of 'nondual' teachings, and particularly 'neo-advaita,' radical nonduality, and 'direct paths' ("instant-enlightenment" teachings) that aim to permanently deconstruct one's familiar, foundational sense of self and reality, as a means to an end of suffering - often described as "liberation," "enlightenment," "Realization," etc.
The folks I hear from and support are commonly experiencing a range of distressing effects including disassociation, de-personalization, de-realization, nihilism, loss of motivation and agency, social and occupational impairment, difficulty functioning in daily life, difficulty developing and sustaining relationships, questioning their sanity, executive functioning impairment such as memory issues, etc.
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While there can be similar adverse effects as from things like mindfulness/meditation, psychedelics, there are unique challenges to recovering when they result from nondual teachings, that are often ideological in nature - tied to relieving oneself of fear, guilt, and doubt when questioning the self-negating nondual belief system. What's particularly unique here is the heavy absorption of Ultimate Truth claims, and the conviction that they have seen the ultimate truth for themselves, and therefore there is no other valid way to conceive of and perceive reality. This puts it on par with leaving fundamentalist Christianity and other religions, as well as cults which all share the commonality of an authoritarian ideology deemed beyond rational questioning. There is also a pattern of uniquely-flavored spiritual abuse that many experience within nondual teaching dynamics, and communities where one's very self, judgment, and individual perception of reality is constantly undermined not just by individuals in positions of influence, but from the metaphysical belief system based on the non-existence of the self.
FAQ
Q: What if I am fully invested in continuing down a nondual self-deconstuction/dissolution path? Can you support me in navigating distressing side effects in service of going all the way with nondual self-deconstruction/dissolution?
What if I'm experiencing adverse effects from nondual teachings and shifts, but am committed to a path of permanent self-deconstruction? I.e. I want to go further down a nondual self-deconstruction path
I wouldn't be a fit if you're looking for someone who holds self-deconstruction/dissolution as an end goal
Q: How do you view the self?
A: A real dimension of reality that cannot be reduced to just the brain or just a foundational level of reality - an essential ingredient in humanity, multi-faceted, greater than the sum of its part, an integral to the totality of what a human is, and healthiest when experienced as a unified whole.
My support work is led by my view that the self is a real, precious dimension of reality, one that is an 'emergent' level of reality, meaning it is irreducible to any former/earlier levels such as just the brain, or just an immaterial "ground level" - I view it as greater than the sum of it's parts, an integral part of the totality of what a human is, and healthiest when experienced as a unified whole. At the same time, having lived it myself, I fully honor the reality and potential profundity of "no-self" - type experiences/ways of perceiving that seem to reveal that the self is not real - a conclusion I've come to question.
Q: Do you think the nondual experiences are real?
Yes. I see them as real experiences/ways of perceiving reality, but I've come to question the interpretations and conclusions about the nature of self and reality that nonduality draws from them.
Q: How do you account for these experiences if they aren't the revelation of the "true nature" of reality?
A: These are real experiences - and specific ways we are able to perceive reality, among a multitude of ways - I believe these experiences are 100% real, however the conclusions drawn from them are what I question and can support you in re-interpreting. Real experiences, but not reflective of unquestionable truth, and not proof that the self doesn’t exist, that everything is in consciousness, that there’s no doer, etc. And I find other interpretations more compelling and can share with you these, which have proven to be compelling for those I’ve connected with.
I also emphasize the nature of attention in these experiences such that the role of heightened attention on one dimension or aspect of our experience can naturally minimize or seem to negate other dimensions that we are not, in these moments, paying attention to.
Q: What if I've also benefited from nondual teachings and shifts in perception?
It's common for these teachings and shifts to be experienced as a double-edged sword. The goal in my view, is to leave behind the worst, the unhealthy and disfunctional, while carrying forward anything that truly serves positive holistic, grounded wellbeing, and supporting you in determining the difference. This involves exploring the difference between what feels good and relieving, and what is actually healthy in a holistic, grounded, long-term way within socially-engaged modern societal life, and soberly acknowledging that what feels relieving and even freeing is not necessarily healthy or in service of holistic long-term wellbeing.
Q: What if I've gone through a death of my former self, so there's no self to "go back to?"
A: You can cultivate a new sense of self, as well as restore valuable parts of your old sense of self that may not actually be dead, but repressed/exiled/buried. You may feel called to enter a process of conscious re-birth, and resonate with being in a metamorphosis process, as well as consciously creating the person you want to move forward as. You may resonate with being in a liminal place, between the death of the old and the birth of the new. Nonduality made death of the self into the permanent end goal. The shift now can be to re-visioning your "ego death" as one stage in a process of self-transformation, leading to both discovering and consciously creating a more authentic, and healthy personal sense of self. This is the process that I went through, and am delighted to support others on.
Q: what’s your approach to suffering?
Self-compassion, changing the nature of our thoughts, thinking patterns etc rather than eradicating them. Bringing what’s causing distress in its extreme, into a balance, not replacing it with its opposite extreme.
Q: Is it possible to recover what I’ve lost?
Absolutely. I felt things were irrevocably lost and they often aren’t.
Q: How can I re embrace without feeling like I’m going back to sleep?
To see that you aren’t 'awake' to the full truth right now, but to an incomplete, partial view and part of getting a wholer view of reality, involves bringing back what was de-realized into the fold of reality, including the individual personal self.
Q: How can I ever enjoy/value/found motivation in worldly life again?
Yes! I did, after I thought it was impossible, and I've seen so many other people do it too.
Q: Do you have a specific methodology?
I see the adverse effects as a result of ungrounding teachings and a resulting ungrounded experience/perception of reality, so I focus on both things like somatic grounding in tandem with deconstructing conviction that the ungrounding metaphysics that undermine the solid reality of the self and world is Ultimate Truth, as well as exploring alternate ideals of how to relate to suffering and the bittersweet complexities of living a fully human life, spiritual ideals, and the renunciate value system at the core of nondual teachings.
I take you through relevant stages on my own journey of disentangling my body, mind and perception from the self-negating, either/or nondual view that freed me from the grip of conviction that nondual truth claims are the undeniable truth, and supported me in rebuilding my sense of self and reality after radically disintegrating them.
I use philosophical and experiential inquiry that reveals and explores the direct impact of shifting our beliefs about the nature of self and reality, on our experience of it. So just like absorbing non-dual metaphysical teachings led to experiencing reality differently, being compelled by an alternate philosophy of self (ontology), can shift your experience in a new, self and world-affirming way.
We can also explore a variety of relevant supportive resources including books, readings, audio and video content, etc. tailored to your specific challenges.
Q: Do you see the experiences nondual teachings lead to as merely brain states?
Seeing no-self type experiences as merely brain states, can be hugely supportive for folks suffering from feeling and believing that they don't exist after having these experiences. It's one potential way of loosening that conviction. While I recognize that these modes, like all modes of perception are tied to altered brain states, I don't reduce no-self (including non-doership, etc.) experiences to just a brain state. I haven't found that in itself to always be enough to loosen the conviction, and it also has a downside to trivializing all non-conventional and/or 'spiritual' experiences, as well as runs the risk of reducing our experience of reality to just the brain, which can also lead to nihilism and de-realization. (Part of the process I share decontructs both hard material reductionism (it's all brain states) and the immaterial reductionism found in reductionist nondual spirituality (it's all 'pure awareness,' etc.).) I see these experiences as more than neurological states, greater than the sum of their parts. Instead, to deconstruct the conviction that the no-self experience, for example, proves there is no self, I focus more on how to see these experiences as real ways of perceiving reality, but in no way proof that the no-self doctrine is true, let alone Ultimate Truth! This involves a deep dive into epistemology (the nature of how we know things) and unpacking the closed loop nature of nondual "direct pointers" in a way that gives you confidence to honor those experiences as valid, and potentially meaningful, while cultivating freedom to explore and choose alternate, self-affirming interpretations that feel equally or more compelling, and most importantly, that better serve your wellbeing.
What if I'm experiencing adverse effects from nondual teachings and shifts, but am committed to a path of permanent self-deconstruction? I.e. I want to go further down a nondual self-deconstruction path
I wouldn't be a fit if you're looking for someone who holds self-deconstruction/dissolution as an end goal
Q: How do you view the self?
A: A real dimension of reality that cannot be reduced to just the brain or just a foundational level of reality - an essential ingredient in humanity, multi-faceted, greater than the sum of its part, an integral to the totality of what a human is, and healthiest when experienced as a unified whole.
My support work is led by my view that the self is a real, precious dimension of reality, one that is an 'emergent' level of reality, meaning it is irreducible to any former/earlier levels such as just the brain, or just an immaterial "ground level" - I view it as greater than the sum of it's parts, an integral part of the totality of what a human is, and healthiest when experienced as a unified whole. At the same time, having lived it myself, I fully honor the reality and potential profundity of "no-self" - type experiences/ways of perceiving that seem to reveal that the self is not real - a conclusion I've come to question.
Q: Do you think the nondual experiences are real?
Yes. I see them as real experiences/ways of perceiving reality, but I've come to question the interpretations and conclusions about the nature of self and reality that nonduality draws from them.
Q: How do you account for these experiences if they aren't the revelation of the "true nature" of reality?
A: These are real experiences - and specific ways we are able to perceive reality, among a multitude of ways - I believe these experiences are 100% real, however the conclusions drawn from them are what I question and can support you in re-interpreting. Real experiences, but not reflective of unquestionable truth, and not proof that the self doesn’t exist, that everything is in consciousness, that there’s no doer, etc. And I find other interpretations more compelling and can share with you these, which have proven to be compelling for those I’ve connected with.
I also emphasize the nature of attention in these experiences such that the role of heightened attention on one dimension or aspect of our experience can naturally minimize or seem to negate other dimensions that we are not, in these moments, paying attention to.
Q: What if I've also benefited from nondual teachings and shifts in perception?
It's common for these teachings and shifts to be experienced as a double-edged sword. The goal in my view, is to leave behind the worst, the unhealthy and disfunctional, while carrying forward anything that truly serves positive holistic, grounded wellbeing, and supporting you in determining the difference. This involves exploring the difference between what feels good and relieving, and what is actually healthy in a holistic, grounded, long-term way within socially-engaged modern societal life, and soberly acknowledging that what feels relieving and even freeing is not necessarily healthy or in service of holistic long-term wellbeing.
Q: What if I've gone through a death of my former self, so there's no self to "go back to?"
A: You can cultivate a new sense of self, as well as restore valuable parts of your old sense of self that may not actually be dead, but repressed/exiled/buried. You may feel called to enter a process of conscious re-birth, and resonate with being in a metamorphosis process, as well as consciously creating the person you want to move forward as. You may resonate with being in a liminal place, between the death of the old and the birth of the new. Nonduality made death of the self into the permanent end goal. The shift now can be to re-visioning your "ego death" as one stage in a process of self-transformation, leading to both discovering and consciously creating a more authentic, and healthy personal sense of self. This is the process that I went through, and am delighted to support others on.
Q: what’s your approach to suffering?
Self-compassion, changing the nature of our thoughts, thinking patterns etc rather than eradicating them. Bringing what’s causing distress in its extreme, into a balance, not replacing it with its opposite extreme.
Q: Is it possible to recover what I’ve lost?
Absolutely. I felt things were irrevocably lost and they often aren’t.
Q: How can I re embrace without feeling like I’m going back to sleep?
To see that you aren’t 'awake' to the full truth right now, but to an incomplete, partial view and part of getting a wholer view of reality, involves bringing back what was de-realized into the fold of reality, including the individual personal self.
Q: How can I ever enjoy/value/found motivation in worldly life again?
Yes! I did, after I thought it was impossible, and I've seen so many other people do it too.
Q: Do you have a specific methodology?
I see the adverse effects as a result of ungrounding teachings and a resulting ungrounded experience/perception of reality, so I focus on both things like somatic grounding in tandem with deconstructing conviction that the ungrounding metaphysics that undermine the solid reality of the self and world is Ultimate Truth, as well as exploring alternate ideals of how to relate to suffering and the bittersweet complexities of living a fully human life, spiritual ideals, and the renunciate value system at the core of nondual teachings.
I take you through relevant stages on my own journey of disentangling my body, mind and perception from the self-negating, either/or nondual view that freed me from the grip of conviction that nondual truth claims are the undeniable truth, and supported me in rebuilding my sense of self and reality after radically disintegrating them.
I use philosophical and experiential inquiry that reveals and explores the direct impact of shifting our beliefs about the nature of self and reality, on our experience of it. So just like absorbing non-dual metaphysical teachings led to experiencing reality differently, being compelled by an alternate philosophy of self (ontology), can shift your experience in a new, self and world-affirming way.
We can also explore a variety of relevant supportive resources including books, readings, audio and video content, etc. tailored to your specific challenges.
Q: Do you see the experiences nondual teachings lead to as merely brain states?
Seeing no-self type experiences as merely brain states, can be hugely supportive for folks suffering from feeling and believing that they don't exist after having these experiences. It's one potential way of loosening that conviction. While I recognize that these modes, like all modes of perception are tied to altered brain states, I don't reduce no-self (including non-doership, etc.) experiences to just a brain state. I haven't found that in itself to always be enough to loosen the conviction, and it also has a downside to trivializing all non-conventional and/or 'spiritual' experiences, as well as runs the risk of reducing our experience of reality to just the brain, which can also lead to nihilism and de-realization. (Part of the process I share decontructs both hard material reductionism (it's all brain states) and the immaterial reductionism found in reductionist nondual spirituality (it's all 'pure awareness,' etc.).) I see these experiences as more than neurological states, greater than the sum of their parts. Instead, to deconstruct the conviction that the no-self experience, for example, proves there is no self, I focus more on how to see these experiences as real ways of perceiving reality, but in no way proof that the no-self doctrine is true, let alone Ultimate Truth! This involves a deep dive into epistemology (the nature of how we know things) and unpacking the closed loop nature of nondual "direct pointers" in a way that gives you confidence to honor those experiences as valid, and potentially meaningful, while cultivating freedom to explore and choose alternate, self-affirming interpretations that feel equally or more compelling, and most importantly, that better serve your wellbeing.
do you work solely from the spiritual emergency framework?
I am trained through IMHU as a spiritual emergency peer support coach, and this has given me tools to better understand what is and isn't helpful in supporting people who are going through acute significant psychological and physical distress as a direct result of shifts in perception induced by spiritual teachings or experiences one would personally relate to as "spiritual." One of the most important tools that I've gained is a better understanding of the importance of and how to detect the difference between a spirituality-related crisis that is likely to be in service of greater health and wellbeing, vs. one that has turned pathological and more likely to hinder it.
It is important for me to meet you where you are, and some people resonate strongly with a dark night of the soul framework to give meaning and direction to their crisis, especially when you are someone who feels you are on a spiritual journey and want to continue a path you'd describe as involving spiritual growth/development. I also support those who do not or do not wish to continue on a "spiritual" path and primarily wish to recover a sense of holistic healthy wellbeing, and restore their daily functioning, as well as heal disruptions to it.
I do not have an investment in you being on a spiritual path - that is entirely up to you!
It is important for me to meet you where you are, and some people resonate strongly with a dark night of the soul framework to give meaning and direction to their crisis, especially when you are someone who feels you are on a spiritual journey and want to continue a path you'd describe as involving spiritual growth/development. I also support those who do not or do not wish to continue on a "spiritual" path and primarily wish to recover a sense of holistic healthy wellbeing, and restore their daily functioning, as well as heal disruptions to it.
I do not have an investment in you being on a spiritual path - that is entirely up to you!
What if I've gone through a death of my former self, so there's no self to "go back to?"
You can cultivate a new sense of self, as well as restore valuable parts of your old sense of self that may not actually be dead, but repressed/exiled/buried. You may feel called to enter a process of conscious re-birth, and resonate with being in a metamorphosis process, as well as consciously creating the person you want to move forward as. You may resonate with being in a liminal place, between the death of the old and the birth of the new. Nonduality made death of the self into the permanent end goal. The shift now can be to re-visioning your "ego death" as one stage in a process of self-transformation, leading to both discovering and consciously creating a more authentic, and healthy personal sense of self. This is the process that I went through, and am delighted to support others on.
Backstory - Why Me?
In my 20’s, after absorbing X non-dual teachings aimed at a radical deconstruction of self, I had what I’d considered to be a profoundly life-changing ‘awakening’ and from then on experienced reality as if I had awoken from a dream that the rest of humanity, was still asleep within, believing they were trapped inside of a delusion - one with many names/forms the personal self - the ego - the body - the false self - constructs - concepts etc.
The radically impersonalizing shift, which seemed to collapse my entire sense of identity, of Jessica - and a process of eroding away my personal sense of self - was radically freeing from the mental burdens I carried, including suffering caused by extreme rumination, chronic dissatisfaction, and fear of death, and for a long time, the emancipatory effects outweighed the alienating, de-motivating, nihilistic ones. I experienced these things but mostly was not terribly distraught by them, and related to it as part of a natural disillusionment process In which I felt more than willing to make sacrifices for what I staunchly believed was both salvation and the Truth. Many of these things were told to me before.
At a certain point I noticed things that were entirely unexpected - not only had the desire to socialize waned but my actual ability to converse was stifled. Intimacy was as well. My metaphorical invulnerability / untouchability that, in radically disidentifying with my physicality and personality and knowing myself as an amorphous stratum of ‘awareness” (which was increasingly my default modus operandi), had become my superpower - but I ‘awoke’ to something frighteningly unexpected - it had become something sub-human- unreachable physically - psychologically stunted etc and led me to question the health of the entire path as well as the core assumptions underlying it that I began to see were inherently imbalanced, either/or.
To question the health, ideal of the entire self abandonment path as well as the Truths it was supposedly based on that had become etched into my mind, through the feedback loop of repeatedly hearing the claims and then “experiencing reality that way,” as absolute. From there ensued a windy road where I met self-compassion, a both/and understanding of reality in which everything that the ND teachings excluded from reality and/or trivialized, was re-affirmed (say more here about unity of opposites), and all that was trivialized turned precious … and not only as ontologically real, but truly precious. In a profoundly disorienting liminal place, post- between deconstruction/death,
parts of myself and my humanity, like my sense of humor, conversatioanlity, quirkiness, psychological curiosity, language, participation etc that I thought had died were unearthed and resertecucted, and I ushered in a tumultuous soul revival, a re-entrance to the humanity I found myself locked out of. Though I’d felt locked inside of my humanity, I was now locked out of its and found this was no better and possibly far worse.
Disappearing had been easy for me. Returning was the hard part. The devastation and challenges I faced here in this “return path” - this re-birth and re-learning how to be a person, (to I become no one) seemed insurmountable - getting over the burden of proof, disentangling my mind and perception from the “Ultimaye Truth” conviction, yes literally de-programming absolutist either/or reductionist belief system, fear of going back into delusion/sleep if I re-embraced personhood and worldly participation, re-embodiment, re-materializing ie. Fleshing myself out, healing dissociative effects, getting through the grief of having abandoned myself, and mauled my humanity, having fallen for a largely cynical escapism, re-learn intimacy, etc.
Having been profoundly shocked that this nondual ego dissolution path despite how incredibly relieving and profound it had been, had NOT been IT, was not actually the way, that what I thought was absolute freedom was another kind of prison, I had to deeply investigate what I’d missed, now that it had all come crashing down and the cracks that started showing eventually shattered the whole thing, revealing great darkness where I’d once seen only light - in the teachers, the communities, the messaging, the teachings, etc.
I needed to de-construct that entire worldview I’d been enculcated into, the core truth claims, about the nature of self and reality, as I discovered more both/and, the unraveling happened naturally in stages, revealing a new one that healed the split between true/false self, transcendent immanent, spirit and matter. That married the opposites. I’d needed to rebuild myself and reality from the ground up. It happened in stages, each one its own glorious revelation/cathartic epiphany that I am eager to share with those it could serve on their own journey back to their humanity and worldly reality. For all of the time put into this to not just have served me but help others revive themselves and reality, and free their perceptions from the either/or self-negating nondual view that is limiting and/or harming them. That had impaired their holistic wellbeing and healthy functioning.
I met and learned from
Others who had been down a similar path and come to the same conclusions before Me, that the nondual view is woefully partial, and even harmful to humanity , and who came to question the very nondual metaphysics, ideals and path that they had themselves taught to others. I want to share their wisdom in hopes it will help others as it did me.
…..
I chose my humanity, and came to celebrate its bittersweetness, no longer seeking “liberation” from suffering but freedom to experience the bittersweetness, to savor, and choosing to celebrate all of this.
…..
I felt duped, misled, ashamed and even humiliated by the level of brainwashing and delusional either/or paradigm I’d swallowed up.
…..
Add in somewhere that I’d gone through a soul loss, from a blossoming bud to a withered flower. I no longer felt I was fully human, I’d damaged my humanity. Gone was the rich, colorful multi dimensiaktiy of my vibrant personality, etc. and in its wake I had access to profound states of inner stillness, silence, and serenity, but as a person, I’d become a zombified hollow shell that for the first time struck me not as a spiritual success, and positive evolution but a tragedy of epic proportion, the memories of which will haunt me forever. I saw then that I had truly made a deal with the devil, traded in my soul for- extinguished my soul in the attempt to free it from suffering - in the attempt to free my soul from suffering i'd extinguished it. My victory over my own existence struck me as Increasingly pyrrhic.
I saw with shock and horror how it had resembled a cult and had similar effects - this path away in a new way forward, had much in common with extricating oneself from a cult.
To support you in challenges to moving forward in another direction, whatever direction you feel called to walk in
To explore and choose a new direction to walk forward on, the direction people I support go in varies, but the commonality is always that it leads away from either/or negation.
You might not feel sure yet that you want to walk away from that view, but you’re beginning to consider it and curious to connect with someone who made that choice and journey and what it entailed.
At the least I hope I can encourage a movement towards more balance, self-compassion, to including the personal self in the totality of what you know yourself to be.
You might be seeking clarity where there is extreme confusion - around what
You will feel validated
Validated that you aren’t crazy for feeling like you’re going insane from this path, that there are deeply unhealthy core aspects of the teachings and effects they have, and teaching environment. That there is spiritual abuse going on in some of the scene.
The radically impersonalizing shift, which seemed to collapse my entire sense of identity, of Jessica - and a process of eroding away my personal sense of self - was radically freeing from the mental burdens I carried, including suffering caused by extreme rumination, chronic dissatisfaction, and fear of death, and for a long time, the emancipatory effects outweighed the alienating, de-motivating, nihilistic ones. I experienced these things but mostly was not terribly distraught by them, and related to it as part of a natural disillusionment process In which I felt more than willing to make sacrifices for what I staunchly believed was both salvation and the Truth. Many of these things were told to me before.
At a certain point I noticed things that were entirely unexpected - not only had the desire to socialize waned but my actual ability to converse was stifled. Intimacy was as well. My metaphorical invulnerability / untouchability that, in radically disidentifying with my physicality and personality and knowing myself as an amorphous stratum of ‘awareness” (which was increasingly my default modus operandi), had become my superpower - but I ‘awoke’ to something frighteningly unexpected - it had become something sub-human- unreachable physically - psychologically stunted etc and led me to question the health of the entire path as well as the core assumptions underlying it that I began to see were inherently imbalanced, either/or.
To question the health, ideal of the entire self abandonment path as well as the Truths it was supposedly based on that had become etched into my mind, through the feedback loop of repeatedly hearing the claims and then “experiencing reality that way,” as absolute. From there ensued a windy road where I met self-compassion, a both/and understanding of reality in which everything that the ND teachings excluded from reality and/or trivialized, was re-affirmed (say more here about unity of opposites), and all that was trivialized turned precious … and not only as ontologically real, but truly precious. In a profoundly disorienting liminal place, post- between deconstruction/death,
parts of myself and my humanity, like my sense of humor, conversatioanlity, quirkiness, psychological curiosity, language, participation etc that I thought had died were unearthed and resertecucted, and I ushered in a tumultuous soul revival, a re-entrance to the humanity I found myself locked out of. Though I’d felt locked inside of my humanity, I was now locked out of its and found this was no better and possibly far worse.
Disappearing had been easy for me. Returning was the hard part. The devastation and challenges I faced here in this “return path” - this re-birth and re-learning how to be a person, (to I become no one) seemed insurmountable - getting over the burden of proof, disentangling my mind and perception from the “Ultimaye Truth” conviction, yes literally de-programming absolutist either/or reductionist belief system, fear of going back into delusion/sleep if I re-embraced personhood and worldly participation, re-embodiment, re-materializing ie. Fleshing myself out, healing dissociative effects, getting through the grief of having abandoned myself, and mauled my humanity, having fallen for a largely cynical escapism, re-learn intimacy, etc.
Having been profoundly shocked that this nondual ego dissolution path despite how incredibly relieving and profound it had been, had NOT been IT, was not actually the way, that what I thought was absolute freedom was another kind of prison, I had to deeply investigate what I’d missed, now that it had all come crashing down and the cracks that started showing eventually shattered the whole thing, revealing great darkness where I’d once seen only light - in the teachers, the communities, the messaging, the teachings, etc.
I needed to de-construct that entire worldview I’d been enculcated into, the core truth claims, about the nature of self and reality, as I discovered more both/and, the unraveling happened naturally in stages, revealing a new one that healed the split between true/false self, transcendent immanent, spirit and matter. That married the opposites. I’d needed to rebuild myself and reality from the ground up. It happened in stages, each one its own glorious revelation/cathartic epiphany that I am eager to share with those it could serve on their own journey back to their humanity and worldly reality. For all of the time put into this to not just have served me but help others revive themselves and reality, and free their perceptions from the either/or self-negating nondual view that is limiting and/or harming them. That had impaired their holistic wellbeing and healthy functioning.
I met and learned from
Others who had been down a similar path and come to the same conclusions before Me, that the nondual view is woefully partial, and even harmful to humanity , and who came to question the very nondual metaphysics, ideals and path that they had themselves taught to others. I want to share their wisdom in hopes it will help others as it did me.
…..
I chose my humanity, and came to celebrate its bittersweetness, no longer seeking “liberation” from suffering but freedom to experience the bittersweetness, to savor, and choosing to celebrate all of this.
…..
I felt duped, misled, ashamed and even humiliated by the level of brainwashing and delusional either/or paradigm I’d swallowed up.
…..
Add in somewhere that I’d gone through a soul loss, from a blossoming bud to a withered flower. I no longer felt I was fully human, I’d damaged my humanity. Gone was the rich, colorful multi dimensiaktiy of my vibrant personality, etc. and in its wake I had access to profound states of inner stillness, silence, and serenity, but as a person, I’d become a zombified hollow shell that for the first time struck me not as a spiritual success, and positive evolution but a tragedy of epic proportion, the memories of which will haunt me forever. I saw then that I had truly made a deal with the devil, traded in my soul for- extinguished my soul in the attempt to free it from suffering - in the attempt to free my soul from suffering i'd extinguished it. My victory over my own existence struck me as Increasingly pyrrhic.
I saw with shock and horror how it had resembled a cult and had similar effects - this path away in a new way forward, had much in common with extricating oneself from a cult.
To support you in challenges to moving forward in another direction, whatever direction you feel called to walk in
To explore and choose a new direction to walk forward on, the direction people I support go in varies, but the commonality is always that it leads away from either/or negation.
You might not feel sure yet that you want to walk away from that view, but you’re beginning to consider it and curious to connect with someone who made that choice and journey and what it entailed.
At the least I hope I can encourage a movement towards more balance, self-compassion, to including the personal self in the totality of what you know yourself to be.
You might be seeking clarity where there is extreme confusion - around what
You will feel validated
Validated that you aren’t crazy for feeling like you’re going insane from this path, that there are deeply unhealthy core aspects of the teachings and effects they have, and teaching environment. That there is spiritual abuse going on in some of the scene.